Glass Walls

There was so much left unsaid in the space between her words.

It was like she was speaking two different languages and I could only grasp one.

That was why I fell utterly captivated by her.

Her mind was a closed playground with glass walls. I could see the thoughts bouncing around but could never get in.

So I developed a code of action.

It was easy, truly,

Or at least it was supposed to be.

int main()

{

// To ask Adanna out;

if (she says no) {

cout << “Give her time

  Become friends

  Try again”;  

  

}

else {

cout << “Loose your shit, she said yes?!!”;

}

      do {

cout << “Give her time

    Ask her out again”;

      }

while (she said no);

}

Pretty much, the plan was to not give up.

And in the case that she said yes to go out with me even once,

I would take the bandage off parts of myself I have only imagined showing anyone else.

And she would fill the cracks of insecurity in the bearings of my soul like silver lacquer in old pottery.

****

She said yes.

It was a crappy day; I had missed the same bus twice that morning (don’t ask how) and was met by a downpour on my way home from classes which led to my dinner being soaked and inedible.

But then she called;

“Hey, are you home? I was thinking of coming over”

Her voice sent electricity to parts of my body I did not know could be reached by sound.

She sat on my bed. Her eyes holding words I could not comprehend. And I feared that that was why she came, she had realized I did not understand her completely and came to let me down nicely.

But then she said;

“So… yes…”

I sat staring at her, still half expecting a negative end to her statement. There was (what felt like) a long awkward silence and I did not realize she was awaiting my reply until she said;

“…Mikun, I mean if you want to go out with me, I would love to” she was now half giggling, half smiling at my confusion.

Of course at this time, the gods of awkwardness descended on me and I was unsure of what to say/do with my face.

And I wanted so bad to kiss her, to hold her face in my palms and kiss her forehead and lips and cheeks. But I didn’t, I couldn’t. Because in her eyes, I would become the kind of person that kissed a girl as soon as he got the chance. But honestly it wasn’t lust. Rather, it was her childlike smile that cracked open to reveal her slight gap tooth that made me wonder what it felt like to be the one parting her lips.

****

38 weeks and 5 days later, I remember noticing cracks in the glass walls. But they had been cracked for a while now and never quite came down. It felt like it was beyond her control, like she did not hold the keys to her own soul. 

Like the walls were built out of something that happened a long time ago and something visited every year to rebuild, reseal; there was no getting in. And my soul grew cold from being bare and alone, Feet tired from running around the corners of her playground, wrists sore from pounding against its walls.

So that was when I told her I had to leave.

Utterly in love with her as I was.

There was nothing left within me to give.

In many ways, she was an open book… just filled encryptions I would never completely fathom.